{"id":61769,"date":"2023-09-11T10:03:42","date_gmt":"2023-09-11T14:03:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.familytoday.com\/?p=61769"},"modified":"2023-09-11T08:24:20","modified_gmt":"2023-09-11T12:24:20","slug":"what-non-monogamy-actually-is-and-isnt-according-to-non-monogamous-people","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.familytoday.com\/relationships\/what-non-monogamy-actually-is-and-isnt-according-to-non-monogamous-people\/","title":{"rendered":"What Non-Monogamy Actually is (and isn\u2019t), According to Non-Monogamous People"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Non-monogamy has been practiced in some circles\u00a0for a long time<\/a>, but recently, there\u2019s been more curiosity about the topic.<\/p>

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According to\u00a0Google data<\/a>, the term \u201cethical non-monogamy\u201d has seen more than a 250% increase in search traffic over the past year. A\u00a02020 YouGov poll<\/a>\u00a0of 1,300 U.S. adults found that a third of respondents say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to a degree. And\u00a0more than 20% of single Americans\u00a0<\/a>have engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives, per a 2017 study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy.<\/p>

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\u201cIt\u2019s not just a new fad,\u201d\u00a0<\/strong>polyamory educator\u00a0Leanne Yau<\/a>\u00a0told HuffPost. \u201cPeople have been doing non-monogamy for a very long time. I think people are just talking about it more now.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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So what does it mean exactly? Non-monogamy is an umbrella term that encompasses various relationship styles that are not sexually and\/or romantically exclusive between two people.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Sarah Stroh<\/a>, a non-monogamous writer and creator behind the\u00a0@monogamish_me<\/a> Instagram account, described it to HuffPost as: \u201cAny relationship structure that is consensually and openly non-monogamous, meaning either \u2014 or more likely both \u2014 partners in a couple have romantic and\/or sexual contact with people other than each other.\u201d<\/p>

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You may have come across the term \u201cethical non-monogamy,\u201d sometimes referred to as \u201cENM.\u201d The word \u201cethical\u201d has been used to differentiate these kinds of relationships \u2014 where all parties have talked about and agreed to the arrangement \u2014 from ones where cheating is happening.<\/p>\n

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But some experts take issue with the term, said\u00a0Zachary Zane<\/a>, a sex columnist and sex expert for\u00a0Archer<\/a>, a new dating app for queer men. In his book \u201cBoyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto<\/a>,\u201d\u00a0he explains the pushback from researchers, educators and activists in the space about use of the word \u201cethical.\u201d<\/p>

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\u201cThey don\u2019t like the term \u2018ethical\u2019 because it implies that non-monogamy is inherently unethical. Why else would you feel compelled to preface with \u2018ethical\u2019?\u201d he writes in the book.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201cIt also holds non-monogamy to an unfair, higher standard than monogamy. Monogamous people constantly lie and cheat on their partners, and they don\u2019t have to preface their behaviors with [being] ethical or unethical, so why do non-monogamous folks? Then, of course, many ENM relationships are not ethical. You can absolutely still be a piece of shit even when practicing ENM.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Instead, many people prefer terms like \u201cconsensual non-monogamy\u201d (CNM) or just \u201cnon-monogamy.\u201d<\/p>\n

There are four main types of non-monogamous relationships.<\/h2>\n
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Some of the common relationship structures that fall under the non-monogamous umbrella include monogamish, swinging, open relationships and polyamory.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201cThings can be very fluid between them, but broadly, I see them falling into four types,\u201d Yau said.<\/p>

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Monogamish\u00a0<\/strong>is a term that was coined by sex and relationships writer and podcast host Dan Savage, and refers to a predominantly monogamous relationship in which \u201csexual activity outside the relationship is seen as the exception rather than the norm,\u201d Yau said.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201cSo, that might look like having a threesome on special occasions, or occasionally going to a sex party. Or if there\u2019s a kink that you want to explore, telling your partner and then finding someone to indulge that with,\u201d she explained.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Swinging\u00a0<\/strong>is when couples have sexual experiences with multiple partners, typically (but not always) as a unit. It often involves swapping partners or engaging in group sex, among\u00a0other types of sexual play<\/a>.<\/p>

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\u201cSwinging is something that couples do together, as in they sleep with other people together, and they engage with other singles and\/or couples. So that might look like threesomes, foursomes, orgies, sex parties, that kind of thing,\u201d said Yau, noting that the term \u201cswinger\u201d\u00a0has fallen out of favor<\/a>\u00a0to a degree. Some people, especially those in younger generations, may prefer to say they\u2019re\u00a0part of \u201cthe lifestyle\u201d instead<\/a>.<\/p>

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An\u00a0open relationship<\/strong>\u00a0is typically one that is sexually non-monogamous, but romantically monogamous. (Previously, however, people used the term as a catch-all to describe any non-monogamous relationship, Yau noted.)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201cSo when someone says that they are in an open relationship, I take that to mean that they are only romantically dating one person, but both of them can have casual sex with other people, either separately or together, on the side,\u201d Yau said.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Polyamory\u00a0<\/strong>is the only form of non-monogamy \u201cwhere you not only have sexual non-exclusivity, but also romantic non-exclusivity,\u201d Yau said. In other words, you\u2019re part of\u00a0multiple loving relationships<\/a>\u00a0at the same time. This stands in contrast to the other non-monogamous relationships described above in which everything outside of the primary relationship is \u201ckept strictly sexual or casual, however you define that,\u201d Yau explained.<\/p>

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While there still may be\u00a0some hierarchy within certain polyamorous relationships<\/a>, \u201cit\u2019s the one type where there isn\u2019t necessarily a focus on a primary romantic relationship,\u201d Yau said.<\/p>\n

Many common assumptions about non-monogamy aren\u2019t true.<\/h2>\n
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Non-monogamy may be gaining traction but is still very much at odds with our monogamous cultural norms. Stigma and misunderstandings about these types of relationships persist. One common misconception: Non-monogamous relationships aren\u2019t serious or lasting.<\/p>

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\u201cMy partner of over three years and I are non-monogamous and expecting a child in January,\u201d Stroh said. \u201cNon-monogamy is not just a phase or a structure for people who want something casual.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Zane echoed a similar sentiment: \u201cThere\u2019s this notion that ENM, specifically polyamory, isn\u2019t sustainable long-term, meaning eventually, you and your partner(s) will break up,\u201d he said. \u201cNeedless to say, that isn\u2019t the case. There are poly folks who\u2019ve been with their partners for decades.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Some people mistakenly believe non-monogamy is cheating, which it's not. In non-monogamous relationships, everyone should be aware, engaged and \u201centhusiastically participating,\u201d Yau said. Honest communication, established guidelines and recurring check-ins are foundational here, just as they are in any healthy relationship.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201cNon-monogamous relationships, just like monogamous relationships, require that everyone be aware and consenting,\u201d Yau said. \u201cIt\u2019s not the same as going behind someone else\u2019s back and just kind of doing your own thing and having multiple partners without anyone knowing.\u201d<\/p>

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Another common misconception is that non-monogamy is just a last-ditch effort for couples trying to save their marriage.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201cOf course, there are some folks who do attempt ENM as their relationship is failing, and the vast majority of the time, it does not save the relationship,\u201d Zane said. \u201cBut that\u2019s not the majority of folks who are ENM.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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In fact, if your relationship is in a bad place, introducing non-monogamy is probably only going to make matters worse, Yau said.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201cBecause non-monogamy requires quite a lot of security and confidence and trust in your partner in order to engage with it in a sustainable and healthy way,\u201d she said. \u201cA relationship that is on its way towards ending anyway is probably not going to be the best fit for that.\u201d<\/p>\n

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Monogamous people may also assume that non-monogamous people are just inherently less jealous, which\u00a0isn\u2019t necessarily true<\/a>.<\/p>

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\u201cNon-monogamous folks are still human,\u201d Zane said. \u201cWe still get jealous. We just \u2014 hopefully \u2014 address it better. Instead of lashing out at our partners, we admit that we\u2019re feeling jealous and insecure, attempt to figure out the root of the jealousy and work together to find a solution.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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There also tends to be this assumption that at least one person in a non-monogamous relationship is being pushed into it against their will.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201cMeaning, one partner would prefer to be monogamous but \u2018can\u2019t get their partner to commit to them,\u2019\u201d Stroh said. \u201cOf course, these things are true sometimes for people who claim they are polyamorous, but it\u2019s often not the case.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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This perception that one partner is being dragged into it and crying themselves to sleep every night is \u201creally unfair,\u201d Yau said.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt portrays non-monogamous people as being selfish or toxic or abusive when we\u2019re not interested in dating monogamous people, for the most part,\u201d Yau said. \u201cWe want other people who fully accept and validate us and our desires.\u201d<\/p>\n

This article originally appeared on www.huffpost.com.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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You might assume non-monogamy is synonymous with cheating. But that’s just not the case.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":85,"featured_media":61772,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_oasis_is_in_workflow":0,"_oasis_original":0,"_oasis_task_priority":"2normal","fbia_status":""},"categories":[15661],"tags":[4],"yoast_head":"\nWhat Non-Monogamy Actually is (and isn\u2019t), According to Non-Monogamous People - FamilyToday<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"You might assume non-monogamy is synonymous with cheating. 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