\"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That\u2019s why it\u2019s a comfort to go hand in hand.\u201d - Emily Kimbrough<\/p>\n
Every marriage has its difficulties, and every marriage has its joys.<\/p>\n
But when you learn the deadly sins of relationships, you are more likely going to recognize them and then avoid them.<\/p>\n
There are many people interested in tips and ideas on how to make a marriage work. I wish I had a magic formula (if I did, I\u2019d already be retired living as a gazillionaire on my own island in the tropics - and of course you could come to visit).<\/p>\n
While there is no magic formula, it helps to keep in mind that marriage is designed to help you grow up into a better person.<\/p>\n
Here are a couple of other things to do as well:<\/p>\n
Just as important as what you should do is what you shouldn\u2019t do \u2014 and I\u2019m sure many of you have stepped into these pitfalls yourselves.<\/p>\n
I have.<\/p>\n
But I\u2019ve worked to learn from my mistakes, and have learned to recognize when I\u2019m making a fatal error, and then how to correct it. If you can avoid these seven things, and focus instead on doing the four things above, you should have a strong relationship. I\u2019m not going to guarantee anything, but I\u2019d give you good odds.<\/p>\n
This is a poison that starts as something small (\u201cHe didn\u2019t get a new roll of toilet paper\u201d or \u201cShe doesn\u2019t wash her dishes after she eats\u201d) and builds up into something big. Resentment is dangerous because it often flies under our radar so that you don\u2019t even notice you have resentment, and your partner doesn\u2019t realize that there\u2019s anything wrong.<\/p>\n
If you ever notice yourself having resentment, you need to address this immediately, before it gets worse, because resentment turns into contempt. Marriage researcher John Gottman considers contempt as one of the deadliest things in a marriage.<\/p>\n
In order to have a great marriage, you must have contempt for contempt within the relationship. Cut it off while it\u2019s small.<\/p>
There are two good ways to deal with resentment before it evolves into contempt: 1) breathe, and just let it go \u2014 accept your partner for who she\/he is, faults and all; none of us is perfect, or 2) talk to your partner about it if you cannot accept it, and try to come up with a solution that works for both of you (not just for you); try to talk to them in a non-confrontational way, but in a way that expresses how you feel without being accusatory.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s hard to control jealousy if you feel it. It seems to happen by itself, out of our control, unbidden and unwanted.
\nHowever, jealousy, like resentment, is relationship poison. A little jealousy is fine, but when it gets to a certain level, it turns into a need to control your partner, leads to unnecessary fights, and makes both parties unhappy.<\/p>\n
If you have problems with jealousy, instead of trying to control them, it\u2019s important that you examine and deal with the root issue, which is usually insecurity. That insecurity might be tied to your childhood (abandonment by a parent, for example), in a past relationship where you got hurt, or in something else that happened before your current relationship.<\/p>
Often you have an idea of what your partner should be like. You might expect them to clean up after themselves, to be considerate, to always think of you first, to surprise you, to support you, to always have a smile, to work hard and not be lazy. Not necessarily these expectations, but almost always you have expectations of your partner.
\nSometimes, without realizing it, you have expectations that are too high to meet.<\/p>\n
Your partner isn\u2019t perfect \u2014 neither are you. You can\u2019t expect them to be cheerful and loving every minute of the day \u2014 everyone is entitled to their moods. You can\u2019t expect them to always think of you, as they will obviously think of themselves or others sometimes too. You can\u2019t expect them to be exactly as you are, as everyone is different. Plus, you wouldn\u2019t want to be married to a clone of yourself.<\/p>\n
Expectations lead to disappointment and frustration, especially when not communicated.<\/p>\n
How can you expect your partner to meet your expectations if they don\u2019t know about them? The remedy is to lower your expectations, if not eliminate them entirely (expectations are really just planned disappointments) \u2014 allow your partner to be himself\/herself, and accept and love them for that.<\/p>
This is a problem with couples who have kids, but also with other couples who get caught up in work or hobbies or friends and family or other passions.<\/p>\n
Couples who don\u2019t spend time alone together will drift apart. And while spending time together when you\u2019re with the kids or other friends and family is a good thing, it\u2019s important that you have time alone together.
\nCan\u2019t find time with all the things you have going on \u2014 work and kids and all the other stuff? Make time. Seriously \u2014 make the time.<\/p>\n
It can be done. I do it \u2014 I just make sure that this time with my wife is a priority, and I\u2019ll drop just about anything else to make the time. Get a babysitter, drop a couple of commitments, put off work for a day, and go on a date. It doesn\u2019t have to be an expensive date \u2014 some time in nature, or exercising together, or watching a DVD and having a home-cooked dinner, are all good options. And when you\u2019re together, make an effort to connect, not just be together.<\/p>\n
This sin affects all the others on this list \u2014 it\u2019s been said many times before, but it\u2019s true: good communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship (and in a relationship, you can not communicate, so handle what goes on between you).<\/p>
If you have resentment, talk it out rather than letting it grow. If you are jealous, communicate in an open and honest manner to address your insecurities.<\/p>\n
Speak up about your wants and desires. If there are any problems whatsoever, communicate them, and work them out.<\/p>\n
Communication doesn\u2019t just mean talking or arguing \u2014 good communication is honest without being attacking or blaming.<\/p>\n
Communicate your feelings \u2014 being hurt, frustrated, sorry, scared, sad, happy \u2014 rather than criticizing.
\nCommunicate a desire to work out a solution that works for you both, rather than a need for the other person to change. And communicate more than just problems \u2014 communicate the good things too (see below).<\/p>\n
Sometimes there are no real problems in a relationship, such as resentment or jealousy or unrealistic expectations \u2014 but there is also little to no expression of the good things about your partner either. This lack of gratitude and appreciation is just as bad as the problems because without it, your partner will feel like he or she is being taken for granted.<\/p>\n
Every person wants to be appreciated for all they do. And while you might have some problems with what your partner does (see above), you should also realize that your partner does good things as well.<\/p>
Does she wash your dishes or cook you something you like?<\/p>\n
Does he clean up after you or support you in your job?<\/p>\n
Take the time to say thank you - give a hug and kiss. This little expression can go a long way.<\/p>\n
Similarly, everything else can be going right, including the expression of gratitude, but if there is no affection among partners, then there is serious trouble. In effect, the relationship is drifting towards roommate status.
\nThat might be better than many relationships that have serious problems, but it\u2019s not a good thing in the long run.
\nAffection is important \u2013everyone desires it, especially from the ones we love.<\/p>\n
Take the time, every single day, to give affection to your partner. Greet her when she comes home from work with a tight hug. Wake him up with a passionate kiss (who cares about morning breath!). Sneak up behind her and kiss her on the neck. Make out in the movie theater like teenagers. Caress his back and neck while watching TV. Smile at her often. Make eye contact throughout the day.<\/p>\n
This wasn\u2019t on my original list but deserved to be added. Every relationship will have problems and arguments \u2014 in fact, these conflicts are part of the growing up process. Unfortunately, many of us are too stubborn to even talk about things.<\/p>
Perhaps we always want to be right.<\/p>\n
Perhaps we never want to admit that we made a mistake.<\/p>\n
Perhaps we don\u2019t like to say we\u2019re sorry.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve done all of these things \u2014 but I\u2019ve learned over the years that this is just childish. When I find myself being stubborn these days, I try to get over this childishness and suck it up, put away my ego, and say I\u2019m sorry.
\nTalk about the problem and work it out. Don\u2019t be afraid to be the first one to apologize. Then move past it to better things.<\/p>\n
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Adapted from Zen Habits.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n