{"id":39363,"date":"2020-01-31T11:58:13","date_gmt":"2020-01-31T16:58:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.familytoday.com\/?p=39363"},"modified":"2020-01-31T11:58:13","modified_gmt":"2020-01-31T16:58:13","slug":"how-to-cope-when-you-find-out-your-ex-has-a-new-partner","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.familytoday.com\/relationships\/how-to-cope-when-you-find-out-your-ex-has-a-new-partner\/","title":{"rendered":"How To Cope When You Find Out Your Ex Has A New Partner"},"content":{"rendered":"

For three years, Meaghan was in an on-again, off-again\u00a0relationship\u00a0with one of her best guy friends. When she accidentally got pregnant, he supported her through an\u00a0abortion. Just two weeks later, though, he hooked up with one of their mutual acquaintances. Then he ghosted Meaghan.<\/p>\n

\u201cAs you can imagine, it was pretty agonizing,\u201d Meaghan, who asked that we withhold her last name for privacy reasons, told HuffPost.<\/p>\n

Three months later, she found out he had gotten back together with his ex \u2014 the woman he would typically date whenever he and Meaghan were in one of their \u201coff again\u201d periods.<\/p>

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Though running back to this woman was \u201csuper in character for him,\u201d\u00a0Meaghan said she was still shocked by the news.<\/p>\n

\u201cI tried to tell myself that he didn\u2019t really love her and that he just needed something comforting to go back to while he navigated a difficult and lonely time in his life,\u201d she said. \u201cBut underneath it all, I knew it didn\u2019t matter. I knew we had to be done and that I had some painful emotions to process.\u201d<\/p>\n

Over time, Meaghan said, she\u2019s been able to move forward; she\u2019s finally come to a place where she genuinely hopes the two of them are happy together. But as anyone who\u2019s been in this situation knows, finding out your ex has moved on with someone else can be devastating.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen we have given someone our heart, as well as the most intimate part of our-self, it\u2019s excruciating to feel replaced or disregarded,\u201d said Nashville-based psychotherapist Jeannie Ingram.<\/p>\n

Even if you were the one to initiate the breakup and have no intentions of getting back together, watching your ex move on with another person can bring on distressing emotions.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you have any lingering attachment, you will have a resurgence of desire, anxiety and regret that\u2019s often mysterious to you when you attempt to make sense of it intellectually,\u201d said therapist Lisa Marie Bobby, author of \u201cExaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love.\u201d<\/p>

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According to Bobby, one reason we may have such a hard time dealing with romantic rejection\u00a0ties back to our hard-wired, evolutionary need to bond\u00a0\u2014 and stay bonded \u2014 to others in order to survive.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s not rational,\u201d she said. \u201cIt\u2019s simply a function of our monkey-mind survival drives doing their job to protect us.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here's how to deal if you're having a hard time.<\/p>\n

Let yourself feel whatever you\u2019re feeling.<\/h3>\n

Don\u2019t beat yourself up for caring still, no matter how long it\u2019s been since you and your ex were together.<\/p>\n

\u201cEven if you and your ex dated eons ago and you\u00a0think\u00a0you should be \u2018over it,\u2019 the waves of grief often feel fresh because, really, they are,\u201d said San Francisco-based marriage and family therapist\u00a0Lynsie Seely. \u201cYou are facing a new part of the grieving process that you haven\u2019t had to process yet.\u201d<\/p>\n

Try taking some deep breaths, cry if you need to, journal your feelings or open up to a confidant.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat you\u2019re doing is honoring how deeply your heart loved and can love,\u201d Seely said.<\/p>\n

But refrain from acting on those emotions.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

It\u2019s only natural for jealousy and bitterness to crop up when you see your ex with someone new. Acknowledge those feelings, know that they\u2019re normal and remember they will pass if you give them some time.<\/p>

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\u201cSometimes these feelings give us an urge to want to talk to our ex, criticize them and their new partner, seek revenge or try to compete with them in some way,\u201d said\u00a0Gina Delucca, a clinical psychologist in San Francisco. \u201cWhile some of these actions might give you temporary relief from your feelings, they won\u2019t help you in the long-run in terms of prioritizing yourself and moving on.\u201d<\/p>\n

Once you realize your ex is off the market, you may also experience a rush of desire or longing for this person, Bobby said. You may start to look back on your imperfect relationship through rose-colored glasses. But don\u2019t get swept up in thinking these are signs you should actually get back together.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s similar to having withdrawal symptoms from breaking your attachment to a substance,\u201d said Bobby, clinical director of\u00a0Growing Self Counseling and Coaching. \u201cJust because you\u2019re craving heroin doesn\u2019t mean you should use it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Stop looking up your ex and their new S.O. on social media.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

It\u2019s tempting, we know. But obsessively checking their Instagram photos is only going to derail any progress you\u2019ve made in moving forward.<\/p>

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\u201cDoing so just keeps you preoccupied with them and it makes it easy for you to make faulty assumptions about how their life is going compared to yours,\u201d Delucca said.<\/p>\n

Figure out what excites you.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Now\u2019s the time to tune into what makes you tick so you can start focusing your energy on something productive. Perhaps you can revisit an old hobby you once enjoyed or try something new entirely \u2014 anything that \u201cconjures a sense of excitement, meaning, or passion,\u201d as Seely put it.<\/p>\n

\u201cIs there a new hairstyle you\u2019ve been thinking about, a particular style of clothing you\u2019re attracted to, is there a destination you\u2019ve been meaning to visit? Go for it!\u201d she said. \u201cThe time following a breakup is so much about rediscovering who you are in this exact moment and redefining your identity as an independent person.\u201d<\/p>\n

Come up with your own \u201cletting go\u201d ritual.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u201cThrowing stones in the ocean to release your burden, safely burning an object that is symbolic of your relationship, imagine cutting an energetic cord that is connecting you to your ex,\u201d Seely suggested. \u201cLet whatever ritual you do mark the transition of an ending to a new beginning.\u201d<\/p>

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Consider seeing a therapist.<\/strong><\/h3>\n

If you\u2019re really struggling or engaging in unhealthy coping mechanisms,\u00a0talking to a therapist\u00a0about how this news has affected you can be beneficial. And even if you think you\u2019re handling it OK, opening up to a counselor could still be useful in your healing.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is understandable to be sad and hurt. If it turns into depression, dysfunction, relying on alcohol or other drugs, lack of self-care, it\u2019s time to see a professional,\u201d Ingram said. \u201cTalking really does help.\u201d<\/p>\n

This article was originally seen on Huffpost.com<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n

×<\/span><\/div><\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It doesn’t matter how long it’s been since the breakup: Discovering your ex has moved on with a new boyfriend…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":36,"featured_media":24724,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_oasis_is_in_workflow":0,"_oasis_original":0,"_oasis_task_priority":"","fbia_status":""},"categories":[15661],"tags":[424,1151,5304,194,6647,4],"yoast_head":"\nHow To Cope When You Find Out Your Ex Has A New Partner - FamilyToday<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The most heartwrenching thing to see after a breakup is the person you love be in love with someone else. 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